Hi, my name is Macy, I'm twenty-four and I suffer from manic depression.

I don't normally talk to anyone, especially strangers, and I wanted to share my life.

I've suffered with depression for a long time, and I grew to cope with it...but I grew to cope alone.
I always felt like my emotions were non-existent or I was more numb than others around me.
My family couldn't understand either and I grew to be very numb and angry.
It was like trying to explain everything you feel all at once, but nobody ever really understood.
I went through relationships trying to mask it or try to be someone I really truly wasn't.
I guess I just wanted to be loved even though I felt more like a monster than a girl.
I met the guy I truly love back in 2015, and he came to live with me.
I loved him more than anything in the world, but because of the way I went through my life
I was never truly perfect, and my emotions were so far gone I couldn't reel them in again.
Neither me nor him were perfect for each other or even towards each other...
We fought so much and hurt each other so much...we both did very bad things to each other.
We both suffered from a similar mental disease and it was like water and oil.
We were broken and we were trying to fix each other, but it just wasn't working.
I made my mistakes and he made his...we were always off and on...off and on.
He broke up with me in October and I tried to forget it...I didn't want to go back...
I felt like we were better off without each other...so I ignored him...
I ignored him when he begged me to come home or to be with him...
I ignored him and I tried to move on...he told me he'd always love me...I believed him...
Now he found someone else...someone he "loved since he was sixteen" and I can't tell if
I regret my choices or if it's just the depression...I can't tell if I love him or if my feelings are so
clouded by the illness. I find myself crying and not eating...barely wanting to get out of bed.
I don't want to open my eyes...and I force myself to wake up...get on a game and try to forget.
I still have the zippo I engraved for him the first year he was here I can't find it in myself to let go.